The Daily Backstage: A Creative Mind Is A Wonderful Thing

For those of you who don’t know me especially well, I will let you in on the worst kept secret of all time – my favourite day of the year – bar none – is New Years Eve. It is amazing. The raw potential, the passion, the time for reflection and the knowledge that when that clock strikes there will be a whole year stretching out before me that is unwritten and it could see me doing ANYTHING.  

I love it more than coffee. Which is saying something.

But – the thing I don’t hold much stock in are the resolutions that come along with it. The frantic three weeks of gyming and healthy eating before the inevitable slide back into our “regular” lives. I stopped making them years ago, they never seem to stick for me. I am resolutely anti-resolution. Isn’t the English language fun!?!

But this year I did make a couple of guideposts for myself. Things I wanted to try to do a little more with my time. One of which was to be more honest and open about things that I am going through. Like a lot of us, I do try to avoid talking about myself. Amusing then that I am a blogger, but even here on my blog I can be a character. I can slip through the cracks and oh, how I do. But one of the things that I want to try to be more open about – is my journey against myself. My own mind. My mental illnesses – such as they are.

Some of the biggest and the best have been afflicted by mental illness in some form or another, including; Sylvia Plath, Lord Byron, T. S. Eliot, Irving Berlin, Virginia Woolf, Vincent Van Gogh, Beyonce, Adele, Zayn Malik, Selena Gomez, Lady Gaga, Bruce Springsteen, Robin Williams, Carrie Fisher, Heath Ledger, and Ellen Degeneres. That’s just naming a handful and the afflictions they suffer from are wide ranging and include everything from insomnia to addiction to bipolar disorder to depression to anxiety and far more than I could even name in this article and keep you reading.

So it would seem that I am in good company.

Still – the stigma that surrounds even the discussion of mental health is extremely strong. The resistance to accept it is, frankly, overwhelming and where that is true, actually dealing with it is extraordinarily unlikely. I’m not just talking about myself here, or my own reluctance and resistence to getting help. This is information gathered from long discussions with my fellow creatives, many of whom suffer undiagnosed and untreated. Needlessly.

For myself, I suffer from bouts of anxiety, and depression. As I have mentioned previously, these are usually manageable. Either day to day, or when paired with counselling. Sometimes there will be days, or weeks when it is worse. Functioning is much harder on those days – putting one foot in front of the other is about all I can do. Sometimes not even that. I have known moments of struggling to get out of bed, or to answer the phone, or to have a conversation because of the overwhelming anxiety. Fortunately for me, these are rare moments, and as I age (gracefully??) I have gained a better understanding of how to deal with them.

The truth is, it should never have taken me so long to accept it about myself, or to override the stigma that surrounds the issues. There are studies that would suggest that creatives exhibit at least a 25% higher chance of also suffering from a mental illness. According to similar grouped studies they also have a higher likelihood of having first relatives who also have a variety of mental afflictions but also have creative type personalities.

A 2005 study conducted by Dr. Alice Flaherty at Harvard Medical School posits that creative thinking, like many forms of mental illness (manic depression / schizophrenia) both involve unusual frontal lobe activity. A further study from the University of Florida by Dr. Kenneth Heilman goes a step further and suggests that such unusual frontal lobe activity results in combining information stores in the parietal and temporal lobes in innovative ways.

So what does that mean, why did I write it, and why did you read it? Excellent questions and I am glad you asked.

In and of itself – nothing. Not a damn thing. But the fact that there are credible studies, a mouse click away – and not just one but dozens, is surely comforting when things get dark. This information means maybe we all need to take a step back and adjust our idea of normal – and if “we all” is a bit general, then at least me. At least I can sit back and not judge myself so harshly.

As to why I wrote this article – it’s a nice precursor for things to come. I don’t want to be the guy who flies around and talks about illness day in and day out, but I also don’t want to be the guy who sits back quietly while I, and others go through the same thing. This stuff doesn’t just effect creatives – there are many people out there not getting the help that they deserve because they are afraid of having a stigma shoved down their throats. I don’t want a continued silence to be my legacy. Not if it means that I could have helped even one person find their way through.

In that spirit – if anyone reading this DOES need to talk about anything or reach out to someone in any way, they should’t hesitate. Here are a list of support networks in Australia. It is by no means a comprehensive list but it will give you a good place to start your journey.  It can be scary to start – but all the steps that come after it are easier. I promise. We’ll do it together.

Happy Creating friends.

S.

The Daily Backstage; A Road Not Taken

Ok so – in my last note I mentioned to you guys that I was taking some time out. That it was for the best, that it was needed and necessary. I do need a recharge, and a space to sit back and breathe. Take stock of my life and goals. That’s really hard to do when you’re in the middle of anywhere from one to three shows at a time. Plus all of the other stuff I end up doing. Standing on committees, starting new endeavours, writing, exploring, training etc… It all gets a little hectic.

I felt really good about it – that it was the right thing to do. Then .. it happened. A fairly major show has had the community rights released for the first time in YEARS.

*cough* Les Mis *cough*.

I felt pretty good when the auditions were announced. Javert is fairly high on my list of roles to play, but I figured “Shane – there are going to be other companies doing the show. Relax. Take the time. You’ll be fine.”

Which, lets face it – is true.

Then the cast announcements started to trickle out. And .. I still felt good. But it was less “totally fine – do you guys wanna go get a coffee” and more … “nah .. that’s good. It’s good that they did that. Yeah … good. *eye twitches*”

And it is – I am so super happy and stoked for every single person who auditioned, regardless of the roles they got or not. Throwing your hat in the ring and auditioning is an amazing feat. It is nothing short of an extraordinary feat of human will power. For the people who were cast I am even more pumped! It’s Les Mis!!! Yes! That! Go you good things!

The voice that I am now contending with is entirely my own, and has nothing to do with anyone doing auditions or landing roles. It is, in part, that feeling of eyeing off the clock and knowing that my years are swiftly spinning out (yes – perhaps a touch dramatic). There is also that feeling that if I fail to try for an opportunity then I will miss “the moment” that takes me to the next level of my career, or advances me as a performer, or gives me the chance at “the part” that I have always wanted. This is similar to what I was talking about in my post about chasing cars, about wanting to chase down all of the opportunities, and filling my time doing all of the things that I want to do, lest I miss my chances.

It can be onerous.

I wonder if we are all perhaps a little like that. Trying to jump headfirst into everything that comes our way. Feeling that guilt of a road not taken, like a lodestone for the soul, pulling you away. A tiny moment of “what if” thrown in for good measure.

Almost like clockwork – I leaped straight away to get the number for new singing teachers, looking at dance lessons, new eating plans, new workout methods, and curiously I went straight down to the pool that night to do laps. I quickly asked for skype singing lessons from a dear friend, and an incredible mentor, the divine Miss MM to make up the time. Chatting to her late at night about the panic, the sudden urge to pack a car and drive to … anywhere something was happening …  made me slow down and realise a few things though;

• I had that moment of panic – perhaps not because I am missing the opportunity – but because I am aware that with a new chance to rehearse, comes a new chance for growth.
• If I am worrying about that – am I worried that I am stagnating as a performer and a creative.
• If I am worried about stagnation – why? What am I not doing in my day to day work to keep myself progressing? What should I be doing? Why am I not doing it?

Once I had that little revelation – it’s become quite an easy place to start drilling down. It is not at all about the road not taken, or the opportunity lost. Although the fact that I am not a superman who can run about and do 87, 000 things at once still galls me.

Taking the time out to stop and think about things, to process it through and to figure out WHY I felt the need to jump straight back in when I knew deep down that I wanted to work on other things for awhile was really telling. I have been letting myself down as a performer and there are things that I should be using my “show free” time to look at and start to address. I think in the long term, it will make me a far better creative, and hopefully a better person. Not taking something at face value is definitely something I needed to be reminded of and if there is one thing I have learned – it’s that the way I feel about something almost never has something to do with the “thing”. It’s almost always about me.

Happy Creating!

S.

A day for planning…

On the back of my blog from yesterday – today has been remarkably productive. I’ve answered and sent a bundle of emails, I’ve written, I’ve looked at my calendar up until the end of next year and I started making my list of goals. What do I want to accomplish from 2017. What did I set out to do and not quite achieve out of 2016. It maybe early to start thinking like this – but I can feel a fire burning in me and I want to take advantage of that wave of energy. I want to make every moment of my day count. I’ve started to get a little more focus, a little more of an idea where I want to get to, and who I want to become, and I am starting to work backwards, figuring out what steps that will take and what opportunities I will have to turn down or take up to make that work. Figuring out what I will have to create in order to get there.

I’ve realised what some of my biggest mistakes have been, sitting back and hoping that the big opportunities would fall at my feet. Letting myself slip further from where I want to be, instead of hunting and chiseling away at my goals until I could take another step forward, and then another. 

One thing is for damn sure – I may have to start this thing off with a bare light bulb and a rusted chair (that may be more literal than figurative at this point), but I know it won’t end there. I know where I want to be now and I’m starting to figure out how I’m going to make that happen. 

Have a great day you magnificent human beings – make it the best one you possibly can! 

S. 

My Name In Lights: Rehearsals

The rehearsal process can be labourious. It can be lengthy. It can be mind numbing and involve hours and hours of “hurry up and wait”, followed by frantically throwing yourself through your paces at maximum energy. You leave with your muscles aching, your voice stretched and knowing that tomorrow is probably a day of vocal rest, your eyes are sore,  your head is pounding, and you are soaked head to toe in sweat. At least this has been the experience for me from time to time. 

So many actors I work with hate rehearsals. Or at least seem to view them with disdain. They treat them like the optional part of the process. Turn up, or not. Prepare for them or not. So long as it all is ok by the time it gets to stage that’s fine right? 

Especially in community theatre. 

I have to say though, despite the highs and lows, working with people who don’t seem to want to be there, with directors who might not be as prepared as they should be, whose process you don’t agree with, people of varying levels of skill, who treat it as everything from a stepping stone to a hobby. I love it just as much as I love stepping out onto the stage in front of an audience. 

This weekend I had an an intensive rehearsal for the production of R&H’s Carousel with Queensland Musical Theatre. I am lucky enough to be playing the lead role of Billy Bigelow, a tragically flawed man who sings what is arguably some of the best music ever written for the male voice (I am still surprised every time I sing Soliloquy that they’re letting me sing it – but that’s the subject of another post).  

Photo Credit: Stacie Hobbs

For those of you who haven’t experienced an intensive weekend, it’s the closest that community or pro-am theatrecan get to a professional process, we turn up at 9 and leave at 5. We have sitzprobe (a sitting rehearsal where we get to sing through the show’s score with the orchestra for the first time – it’s magical and is my favourite moment of them all), we stagger through a full run of the show, we go through photoshoots and we begin to rapidly fix all of the small technical pieces of the show that are not quite right. It’s a long process, and it is exhilirating. 

Usually an intensive weekend will come just at the point in the rehearsal process where you are starting to find yourself falling out of love with the show. You’ve heard all the jokes a thousand times, you’re a little over the music, you’ve sung about clams until you’d throw up at the sight of them, and you’ve run lines with as many people as you humanly can, and the script is starting to feel like gloop in your head. then you have sitzprobe, and you run the show, and you stagger your way through and it’s wonderful. 

You defy the odds and you make it through. It may sound like a cliche but you will know more about the show, your character, and oddly enough – yourself – by the end of it. 
Waking up Tuesday morning, I was sore, dehydrated, and I regretted collapsing into bed without doing a physical and vocal warm down the night before. It told me a lot about where I am at as a performer. How stage ready I am. How mentally prepared I am (for those of you who don’t know the story of Carousel, it delves into some pretty heavy topics including domestic violence, depression, suicide, and what lies beyond this life. Which is a lot for a musical written in the 1940’s). How physically ready I am to perform this titan of a role. Most importantly though – I was reminded how much I loved what I do. Why I keep striving to be better. Why I push myself harder and harder to find my peak. 

There are so many things to love about rehearsing. If done right, it can be an artform that is breathtaking and challenging and motivates me to go beyond my boundaries. I love the smell that almost all rehearsal spaces I’ve ever been in have. I love meeting new people, working together with them to create something, striving to have a single moment of realness on the stage. Missing the hours pass easily as I lose myself in the work. The families I build that last years. The trust that I have in those people to be there to catch me every time I fall. Every single part of the blood, sweat, and tears is wonderful if I just give myself over to it.
It’s also easy for me to forget all of this. I find myself at least once a show struggling to get up off of the couch to trudge back out into the night to a rehearsal. I owe myself more than that. I love this craft beyond anything. I couldn’t stop doing it, it’s like air to me. But once a show, around the 8 – 10 week mark for rehearsals it will happen. I’ll struggle with it. Kick myself a little that I signed up to do another one. Get lost in the process of creating and I won’t be able to see the end point just yet. But then there it will be, and I’ll lie in bed at night after a rehearsal grinning to myself about what an incredile world I get to be a part of. 

Speaking of which – I have a rehearsal I should be getting ready for. 

S. 

My name in lights ..

I’ve been wondering about the best use of this blog, and ways that I can use it to engage a readership and explore more of my journey as an actor, producer, and writer. After rereading my previous posts, and the unwritten, unfinished posts that sit half done, or as titles and themes on a list in my office – I realised that all of those dealt with parts of my journey. Dealing with things from stage fright, to what kept me coming back as an actor, what keeps my writing and struggling and reaching. 

There are reoccurring themes that I find myself running into – but to lay them out on the table and openly discuss them is confronting and I think that in that confrontation lies something worth really discussing and expanding. 

Looking back through some old photos from my trip to London last year, I came across this photo of myself standing on the stage of Les Mis and I can still feel the electricity under my skin and taste that potential. 

So to kick off a very soft relaunch and repositioning of my little online home – amusingly to bring it back to what I had intended to use it for in the first place – I will be posting weekly blogs journaling and discussing the things that I love about the acting “game”. Inside and out. These are the things that may be challenging but that keep me coming back time and again. 

Hopefully exploring this will be a little helpful to some people who are struggling with their own journey – I love the creative world. It is so rich and deep and varied and it never ceases to amaze me how inspired I can become.

The arts can, and should, and does change the world. 

There is a reason that I fell in love with it. There is a reason that I am still in love with it. There is a reason that I fall a little more in love with it every day. 

I want to share that with all of you. 

S. 

Productive Places

Happy Monday!!! Arguably the greatest day of the week (not just because I am currently fuelled by a half dozen shots of coffee). Recently I’ve spoken about my productivity levels, my procrastination levels, and my scattered mind trying to adjust and understand the billion and a half things I have going on at the moment. As a part of this development I have spent some time reflecting on “How” I work and what impact that may make on my productivity. 

I have spent quite a few years trying to fit myself to the work style that I “thought” I should use. Trying to embrace patterns and getting up early to take advantage of the early mornings, finding my 9-5 creative groove and work the system as best I can. So after several years of that .. Yeah … No. That’s not a thing.
I’ve found that I work really well from 11pm – 5pm. I’ve found that this isn’t done well in isolation. I find it really difficult to get my mojo on (yes I have mojo – I’m basically Hermione Granger yo #ministerformagic) in a vacuum “early” in the day. Ergo I frequent lovely little cafes and public libraries. I love a space that is full of bustle and noise. I know so many people hate them, and find working in them as being far too distracting but I find them to be soothing. The grinder whirring away in the background is wonderful white noise for me and let’s my settle in with a cup of coffee (that I didn’t make myself – this is important – they’re always better) and gently ease my way into the day. I can find my rhythm in these little hubs, and if I frequent them often enough to be a regular, find wonderful opportunities for breaks with other regular costumers and staff. 

The other point of the day that I find I am equally productive in is a little harder to manage. Between the hours of 11pm and 2am the world is silent and still. My creative energies will always get a second wind and I can lose whole hours pacing the house with a notebook in my hand muttering to myself. Throw on a white noise / rain track / quiet jazz album (with no vocals – again important) and I can, and do, work until the sun creeps over the horizon and I retreat to my bed. 

The schedule is then broken up nicely, and while I don’t always maintain it (the midnight writing sessions are hard to keep up – plus the pull of Netflix is real – House of Cards – oh my god) I find a couple of night sessions a week give me a really great output of work, far more than when I was trying to manage a 9 – 5 schedule. 

S. 

Chasing cars…

I don’t know about you guys – but sometimes I struggle a little with containing all of the thought bubbles that are floating around in my brain at any one time. I start out fine – but I end up chasing random thoughts around like a puppy chasing after a car, that then finds another car, and another, and holy wow that one is just so shiny and .. Wait .. How did I get here again? 

One of the biggest problems that I face day to day is not figuring out my plan, we’ve talked about this, I love a good plan. My biggest problem is keeping myself on track. Finding that level of mindfulness that will allow me to keep on one track and see a project, or a task through to it’s completion without being pulled entirely off topic.

For example – this blog post. What I started doing this morning was finishing putting together my 18 month calendar, which was halted when I started adding things to my list of things for today, which was stalled when I realised I needed to add something to the presents for my partner’s birthday this weekend, which moved into a Pinterest binge, which moved into a blog post on how I can’t stay focused. My computer is on top of my calendar as I write this …. 

I am fairly confident that doing this is not helpful. I am fairly confident that it leads to to taking on more than I can necessarily commit to. I am fairly confident that I should not be so confident about anything. This is not a way of achieving best practise. 

In saying all of this though – identifying the problem is the first step towards finding a solution. I will do some research and report back to you. I know you’re keen to know how I go with this.

Have a good week – you wonderful majestic human beings. 

S. 

Don’t wait till Monday …

Sometimes I get really caught up in that cycle. I can only start a diet / work out / writing schedule / Llama Farm on a Monday. That’s how that works. The universe has spoken – they collectively decided that all good things, all of the things of worth and substance should be started on a Monday (It should be noted that if the Monday also falls on the first day of the month it’s extra magical. Bonus points will also be awarded for a Monday that is not only the first day of the month, but the first day of the year as well .. ). 

It all has a nice symmetry to it and no one really wants to mess with the system. 

Of course none of us really like Mondays (I do actually – but that’s the subject of a whole other post)  .. So it’s the perfect excuse to break whatever cycle we were planning before we even start it. I know I’ve been guilty of that – and once the cycle, which never existed, is broken .. Well I can’t start again until Monday. Them’s the rules. 

Then again, even if we do start it on a Monday, whatever our specific goal might be, we can fall off that wagon at any time. Falling off is not day specific. It can be enjoyed at any time, day or night. 

Maybe .. Just maybe .. If we didn’t wait. If we stopped eyeing off the first day of the week as the beginner of all things .. We’d stop wigging ourselves out so much. Maybe we should just start. Who knows what might happen then* .. 

*Obviously the universe will collapse. What – are you crazy?

Happy Saturday! 

S. 

Goals … They’re not even half the battle …

Goal setting .. that’s the be all and end all fix right? You set the goal, and then *boom* like some sort of magic out of “The Secret” you have the Ferrari, the jetski and the million dollar Alpaca Farm fortune you always wanted … right? Yes? Guys …?  

 

I am discovering as I go along that it is far less about this than it should be .. it’s not even half the equation. Not even a third. The plan is necessary, the plan IS in so many ways ALL. But .. is it though? Don’t get me wrong, the ability to plan and to organise and structure a set of goals is one I have spent years working on and certainly have not yet perfected. That’s totally valid and I know many people who don’t have that ability which is .. unfortunate for them as it may stop them from having the global Alpaca empire of their dreams. 

More than that though, more than the ability to sit down and look 3, 5, or even 10 years into the future and seeing the person you want to be and the place you want to be in (having that vision and not laughing at yourself is a topic for a different blog I think …), is the ability to continuously motivate and drive yourself to work the plan. Goal setting without determination and motivation is just really complicated, confronting list making. I mean .. I love a good list, who doesn’t?  At the end of the day though – drive and belief is so much more important. The trouble can be how to maintain that. How many days can get wasted in us not living towards the best version of ourselves? 

I struggle with it I admit. I need to remind myself monthly, sometimes weekly or daily even, just how far I’ve come and how much I can achieve if I keep working. If I worked every day for a year, using my time the way it really could be used .. how much further down my road would I have traveled? Where would all of us be? 

S.